Dreams: Man, are they weird

I was once told (and I saw it on TV, so you know it has to be true) that when we fall asleep, dreaming is a VITAL function. Apparently, the act of dreaming is what allows our brain to “re-organize itself”, or something along those lines. (That’s about the extent of my knowledge on the subject. Kinda impressive, though, don’t you think?)

If our brains don’t “re-organize”, you can wake up feeling cranky and tired (as if you never went to sleep). You can also find it difficult to concentrate and become forgetful, or get confused easier. So, there you have it. We need to dream.

Fine, I can live with that, but does this explain why our dreams are so crazy? If our brains are getting re-organized, is this why bits and pieces of your memories all converge in unusual ways? Ever have a dream with people all in the wrong place and time? I seem to be having a lot of these lately. I have a dream that I’m down at an MVP rehearsal, but I’m surrounded by people I knew back in high school, or even grammar school.

Glenn: Hey, Chris! Long time no see, man. What are you doing here?
Chris: What does it look like? I’m getting ready for dance practice for 42nd St.
Glenn: Huh???
Chris: Sure. Allison and I are dance partners.
Glenn: Allison? “Allison-from-7th-grade”, Allison? What the…?
Chris: Come on, Sue wants to get started.
Glenn: (talking to thin air) How the hell do you even know Sue??!! I haven’t seen you in 14 years and I’ve only know Sue for four years so how…what the….who is…AAARRRGHHH!!

Or how about the reverse…when you go back in time and are surrounded by people you are currently friends with:

Ms. Stacy: (5th grade teacher) So, an adjective describes a what?
Glenn: Oh, that’s easy. It describes a…
Dave: A noun.
Ms. Stacy: Correct, Mr. Lemay.
Glenn: Dave? What the hell are you doing here?
Dave: What do you mean?
Glenn: We’re not supposed to meet for another 9 years. And by the way, if this is 5th grade for me, aren’t you like 5 years old right now?
Josie: You’re losing it, Glenn. Now come on, we have to pick up Chad and get to Beth’s birthday at Hurricane O’Reilly’s
Glenn: Hurricane ‘what’?! Who are you?! Who’s Chad? And who is Beth and why do I care if it’s her birthday?!
Dave: Let’s go.
Melissa: (girl I liked in 5th grade) Can I come?

Ever have a dream about someone of the opposite sex and that dream gets a little, ahem…”steamy”? You wake up and the next time you see this person you can’t look them in the eye. As Eddie B. would say, “Yeah, it’s strange. Because now you see just how good they are.” (yuk, yuk, yuk)

Ever have a dream where you know it’s a dream?

Glenn: Wait a minute…this is ridiculous. How can a polar bear and my cat be playing poker? And why are Aimee Hoffman and Mike Greely helping me deliver newspapers for my paper route? I didn’t know these people back then…come on, somebody wake me up, this is too weird. Hello??

Or how about the dreams that are really cool and you desperately try to stay asleep?

Glenn: (as the alarm rings) No, wait! I just won the lottery and I’m living in Hawaii! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiittt!!!! Look, I’m sleeping, see! (snoring very loud) See?! Huh? (wakes up) Aw, crap.

Yes, folks, dreams are very strange, but also very necessary. I’ll try and remember that the next time a dream like this happens:

Lori: (first theater teacher) Ok, Glenn, break a leg out there.
Glenn Um, will do. What role am I playing again?
Lori: (sigh) Charlie Brown.
Glenn: Oh, right! I remember this show. 6th grade. This show was fun!
Jeff: (dressed as Snoopy) Ok, let’s go!
Glenn: Huh?
Mike Caruso: (dressed as Linus) Ready.
Glenn: What in God’s name…?
Heather: (dressed as Peppermint Patty) Check!
Glenn: Now, hang on…
Beth: (dressed as Lucy) Ok!
Glenn: HOLD IT!!!
Jeff/Mike/Heather/Beth: What’s your problem?
Glenn: I’m not going to meet any of you for like another 10 years! This isn’t right!
Mike: (sigh) You’re an idiot. Go back to writing that show of yours, something about a wake.

(The actors exit offstage, leaving a very confused Glenn standing backstage.)

Glenn: Good grief.

Life's Unanswerable Questions

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?
How can you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Does the little mermaid wear an “algebra”?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Is it ever possible to have a “civil” war?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar, do you believe him?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
Isn't it a little scary that a doctor’s work is called “practice”?
Why does the word "monosyllabic" have so many syllables?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
Where are Preparations A through G?

And my personal fav:

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Bachelor parties, beer and brawls

This past Saturday night was my brother’s bachelor party. I know what you’re thinking: strippers, donkeys snorting cocaine, people hanging naked out the window…no, you’re thinking of the Tom Hanks movie “Bachelor Party.”

My brother’s send-off was a bit more low-key, but certainly a lot of fun. There was plenty of food (we mixed cuisines, having both pizza and Chinese food). There were several games of darts, several games of pool (I schooled a few of my cousins at a game of 8-ball), and three different Texas Hold’em tournaments. We closed the night out with several games of 45s…my brother and I teamed up and won that one. “Ming-ya!”

Oh, yeah, and there was plenty of alcohol. Can you believe it?

We arrived at the bar at around 5:30 PM, and stayed until well-past midnight, so it was a nice long night. And we made it until around 11:30 PM before “the show” started.

Take a bunch of guys (at a bachelor party, no less), put them in a bar atmosphere, and add loads of alcohol, and I can almost guarantee that there will be some problems (i.e. fighting, punches being thrown, etc.) So, a group of my brother’s friends are playing poker, and some random guy walks over to the table to watch. (I learned later that this guy wasn’t actually “random”; he was an old friend of my brother’s best man.) Apparently, this guy made a joke about something on the table and one of the players (we’ll call him “George”) turns to this guy and drunkenly says “Get the f*** out of here!” And that’s how it starts.

The guy who had come over to the table suddenly got incredibly offended. ”Hey, man, you don’t talk to me like that!” (We all know how important respect is in this time and place…yuk, yuk, yuk) And that was it…these guys started jawing back and forth, and George finally stands up and takes a swing at this guy.

My brother’s friends dragged George outside. He tried to barrel back inside once or twice, but my brother’s 6’6” friend put a stop to that real quick. It took about 15-20 minutes for everyone to calm down and cool off, but eventually someone drove George home.

I’m watching all this wondering if my brother is gonna kill George later, but while it’s all going on, I look over to my brother, and he’s sitting there with a huge smile on his face! His words: “Just sit back and enjoy the show.” And he was right…watching a 5’5” guy trying to fight his way past three guys who are all over 6’ is a lesson in physical comedy. I always find it amusing when a guy is being held back and he starts spewing his venom to whoever is in his line of sight. Three guys are holding this guy back and the bartender says flatly “Get him out of here”, so George starts throwing it at him….”You ass**** bartender! Going nowhere with your life! Working behind the bar, no ambition!” (snicker, snicker, snicker)

Whenever I see something like this happen, I always remember a great quote that my buddy Jeremy Hunt once uttered: “See, this is why pot smoking should be legal. If you go to a bar, there is a huge chance you’re going to get into some kind of fight. But go to a place where everyone is smoking weed, and everyone spends so much time talking about trees, clouds and bugs, that nobody has time to get into fights.”

Pure poetry.

"80" Questions

My father once said that the greatest decade to live through was the 50s.

“Nonsense!”, says I. While I have respect for those that spent their childhoods wearing coonskin caps, listening to Elvis, and enjoying the economic boom of post-WWII America, nothing can replace the years of growing up with “E.T”, “Knight Rider”, hair bands, and stonewashed jeans, while watching Ronnie Reagan dis the Russians every five minutes. You got it…the 80s.

QUESTION: Anyone else ever almost get sick looking at Garbage Pail Kids cards? Ugh, talk about nasty. And that gum could cut a hole through your cheek.

How can you not love this decade? (Did anyone ever actually solve a Rubik’s Cube without peeling off the stickers and moving them around?) 80s fashion may have been pretty crazy, but anything was better than fashion in the 70s! Remember pumped up action shows, like The A-Team and Airwolf?

QUESTION: Anyone remember “Street Hawk”? (a.k.a Knight Rider on a motorcycle)

What other decade could have given us “Return of the Jedi”, “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom”, “Back to the Future” and “Beverly Hills Cop”?

QUESTION: Anyone else cry when Optimus Prime died? Really? Well…neither did I!

How about the cartoons that used to rule Saturday mornings? “The Smurfs”, “Fraggle Rock”, “Muppet Babies”…But the cartoon universe really came to life on weekdays, after school. Who doesn’t remember rushing home to watch He-Man, GI Joe, Inspector Gadget and the greatest cartoon ever made, the Transformers? And girls, there was plenty for you, too…My Little Pony, Jem and the Holograms, Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake and She-Ra.

QUESTION: Did anyone watch She-Ra episodes that had a “cross-over” with He-Man? Liars! Come on, She-Ra was one of the first cartoon babes.

QUESTION: Does anyone remember the following cartoons:

Rubik, the Amazing Cube

They made a cartoon out of a puzzle game! When the cube was put together the right way, the thing came to life, and had magic powers. Every episode was the same…”Dear, God, we’re in trouble! Quick, someone, solve the Rubik’s cube!” Subliminal advertising at its best. “Kids, you WILL buy this toy…”

Turbo Teen

The guy turned into a car…a freakin’ car! But only when he got really, really hot. Insert your own sexual joke here.

Danger Mouse and BananaMan

Two cartoons from the UK that would only air on Nickelodeon. A detective mouse and his sidekick hamster, and a superhero who got his powers from eating a banana. If you pitched shows like this to a TV network today, they’d lock you in the nuthouse.

Tranzor Z

Please, please, someone tell me they remember this show! It was another one of those super robot shows, like a bastard cousin of “Voltron.” But I always thought this guy had much cooler weapons. Gotta love that early-80’s “japanimation.”

And how about those video games? Sorry, folks, I know that the graphics in today’s games look unbelievably realistic and contain massive amounts of blood and gore, but I’ll always have a soft spot for Pac-Man and Frogger. When Atari first came out, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. “Pole Position”, “Dacathalon”, “Stampede”, “River Raid”…hours of entertainment for kids, a Godsend for parents who wanted their kids out of their hair for a while. “Pitfall”, anyone? That game was more addictive than cigarettes (not that I’d know…ahem….).

QUESTION: Who remembers Q-bert, the craziest game ever made?

“I got it…we’ll have a big orange guy hopping around on a pyramid of cubes. The object is to change the colors of the tops of the cubes. And he’ll be chased by jumping snakes and purple monsters.” Who dreams up this stuff?

And what child of the 80s didn’t have action figures/Cabbage Patch Kids on his/her Christmas list?

QUESTION (and funny story): Anyone remember the two He-Man action figures that had an odor: Moss Man (spelled like Pine Sol) and Stinkor (smelled like a skunk)?

Sometime, around 1989 or so, my friend Eddie B. packed away all his He-Man action figures, including these two “scented” guys, into this little extra door hidden in his closet. About 5 years later, we were looking for a basketball and he opened that door and found these two guys. Apparently, the two odors of these things mixed together and had five years to…I don’t know, “ferment” or something. We opened the door and got hit in the face with the most disgusting smell known to man. His parents came within an inch of selling the house.

And let’s not forget the sporting highs and lows (mostly lows).

The Patriots getting destroyed by the Bears in the Superbowl. (How times change. Now we’re talking “dynasty.”) The Red Sox and Bill Buckner losing game 6 to the Mets.

QUESTION: Now that the curse is gone, can we all agree that Bill Buckner got a bad wrap all these years? Watch the video some time…the Red Sox pitchers choked big time!

And let’s not forget several other major news events:

The Challenger explosion (Remember where you were when this happened? I was in fourth grade. They interrupted all classes to make the announcement.)
The whole Star Wars missile defense thing
The 84 Olympics & Mary Lou Retton (Was this the start of the whole althetes-on-the-Wheaties-box thing?)
“We are the World”
Fall of the Berlin Wall (got it in just under the wire!)

Whew…what a decade.

QUESTION: You have the 80s, the 90s and now the…um…uh…just what DO we call the decade we’re in now? The “00s”??

Bumper stickers: Pedestrian Literature

What is this fetish people have with plastering their car bumpers with stickers? Trying to draw attention to a cause? Just like giving people behind you something to read?

I’ve never liked bumper stickers. When I first got my driver’s license, my mother would let me use her car, which had an “I (heart) Aruba” bumper sticker on it. Apparently, these stickers tell people a lot about who you are as a person, because everytime I picked someone up for the first time, I got “Oh, you’ve been to Aruba?” (I’m just glad it wasn’t an “I (heart) Amish Country” sticker…I can hear it now…”Hey, what’s your beef with electricity?”)

Bumper stickers are too topical. I sometimes laugh when I see cars on the road that still have “Re-Elect Bush, ’88.” (As if he had a chance against Clinton after that Arsenio jam session.) Do you really want the world to know that you backed the wrong horse? This also goes for everyone with “Kerry for President” stickers. These things freeze your car in one time in history. “Quit living in the past, man!” And why are they so hard to get off? The glue they use on these stickers could be used to fix leaks in dams. You ever try to pull a bumper sticker off? Not gonna happen!

I love the people who have 500 stickers. You know, the world travellers. (“Vermont Rules”, “Water Country”, etc.) Then you have the people who not only have them all over their bumper, but also on their rear windshield, too. Reminds of a great cartoon I saw, where a guy accidentally backed into another car. He turns to the guy he hit and says “Sorry, I couldn’t see where I was going, because of all the places I’ve been.” He points to his winshield, covered in stickers. (yuk, yuk, yuk)

So, what are the most common stickers? Well, let’s see:

Anti-Bush stickers

Boy, what a cash cow! As long as he’s in office, you can just keep churning these out.

“My child is an on the honor roll at (insert school here)”

The only problem here, is that cars sometimes get passed on to other people in the family. So, you could have your 75-year old grandmother driving that car. “Your child is on the honor roll? Isn’t he in his 40s? What’s the matter with him?”

“Keep honking. I’m reloading.”

Ha! Pure wit!

“Ayuh, I’ve been to Maine”

I never got this one, but I see it everywhere. Is that how they talk in Maine? How come they don’t make one that says “Dude, I’ve been to every bah in Beantown!”

The religious-themed ones

My favorite: “No God, no Peace. Know God, Know Peace.”

“My other car is a horse”

Funny once. On repeat viewings? Not so much.

And here’s a few that are good for a chuckle:

A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?
God is Coming and is she PISSED.
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!
If we call it tourist season why can't we shoot them?
Jesus is coming. Look busy.

I once wrote a bumper sticker myself:

“If you can read this, you’re not watching the road!”

Too witty?

The boy who cried "wolf"

Ah, spring.

The warmer weather. The snow melting away. The days getting longer. The ‘just-returned-from-the-south’ geese leaving their presents all over my work parking lot.

Ugh. How gross is this? I don’t know what these geese do when they go away for the winter, but I’m sure one of the things they do is EAT. Because when they get back, they leave their droppings on every square inch of the pavement. Just to walk from my car to the front door is like walking through a minefield in Vietnam.

The higher-ups at my company decied to put some lawn ornaments out on the grass right next to the door. They’re these life-size wolf statues. Apparently, the geese see the ‘wolves’ and dissappear really quickly.

I wish they had warned me. If I’m not wearing my glasses, I can’t see very far away. So, I’m strolling to the front door, trying to avoid the “mines”, when suddenly…there’s a freaking wolf standing by the door! I think to myself, “Nah, it’s gotta be just a really big dog”…so I inch closer…no, it’s a wolf! I look to my left and see…another wolf! And I swear, I am not making this up, in my ‘not-wearing-my-glasses, kinda-blurry’ state, I thought I saw the thing move! Now I’m confused as hell. “Wolves? What the hell are wolves doing here? When did we move the company to the Yukon?”

So I say “Screw this!” and I walk around to the back door. I’m just about to run up and tell someone about the predators outside the door, when the woman who sits next to me goes “Great new wolf statues, huh? No more goose s***!”

Being the quick thinker that I am, I said ”Oh, sure, I saw the wolf STATUES. They’re really cool wolf STATUES. What a great idea, placing wolf STATUES outside.” Then I do the fakest laugh I can, walk to my desk and sit down.

I’m taking this one to the grave. And I ask my fellow readers to please respect my stupidity and do the same.

"If I've Ever..." (A college drinking game flashback)

Who likes drinking games?

I'm not a really big drinker, but I admit that I enjoy a good drinking game. In all honesty, I think I've been drunk maybe twice in my whole life, and both times it was purely by accident. I never set out with the intention to get completely bombed, but if I have too many shots (the culprit both times), things happen fast.

This past Sunday, I went to my cousin's house for a birthday party for his roommate. I ran into a kid that I couldn't quite place, but I was sure I recognized him. Turns out we went to high school together. Apparently he's kept in touch with my cousin all these years (my cousin also went to high school with me).

So, we're talking, catching up, just shooting the breeze and we started reminiscing about days at good 'ole Central Catholic High School. He started talking about all the drinking games he used to play in high school and college and it brought back some hilarious memories of my own early experiences playing drinking games.

So, with that said, here's a flashback from my UMASS days:

There's a game called "If I've Ever..." (A few years later when I played this one at an MVP cast party, it was now called "Never Have I Ever.") For those of you unfamiliar with this game, the rules are simple. Everyone sits in a circle with a drink; one person makes a statement like "If I've Ever…done it in an elevator, drink up." Anyone who HAS done that deed, takes a drink. If nobody in the circle has done it, then everyone drinks. Simple, right? I’m assuming the strategy here (go ahead and use "strategy" and "drinking game" in the same sentence, I dare you) is to come up with something so outrageous that nobody will have done it and then everyone must drink. The whole game is like an alcohol-laced version of "Truth or Dare." (Yeah, it's usually a sexually-themed game...here's a hint, folks...ALL drinking games are sexually themed. Just an FYI.)

So, we were playing one night...now, I need to tell you about a girl...we'll call her "Nancy." (I'm not sure why I have to use a fake name, I highly doubt any of you know her, but what the hell.) Nancy was a friend through the theater department, and every guy in the room used to make an ass of themselves in front of her trying to impress her, but she saw through them all, as Bart Simpson would say, "like Grandma's underpants."

Nancy was an intimidating figure all around. She was arguably the best singer in the department, an incredible dancer, and had an unbelieveable stage prescence as an actress. In addition to being a singer, dancer and actress, she was also a director, choreographer, part-time teacher, softball coach, and a speaker of three languages. Oh, and she looked amazing in a short skirt.

So, anyway, one night we're sitting there playing "If I've Ever...", and after a round or two, Nancy asked if she could join in. "Absolutely!", said every guy in the room. And so we get to it. The craziness ensues..."If I've Ever...gone streaking, drink up." "If I've Ever...done it in a car, drink up." If I've Ever...gone skinny-dipping, drink up."

It didn't take long for the statements to get more and more off the wall. Some of the more colorful ones I recall were "If I've Ever…done it on a motorcycle; …had someone videotape me (AHEM!); …used whipped cream or syrup; …done it on the roof, etc." (The roof?? Give me a break!) So the game's moving along, and by a certain pont, after each new statement, at least one person every round would turn to a person who just drank and utter something like "You did that?!" or "Ewwwwww!"

I started watching Nancy to see just when she drank….well, she drank on the first round, then the second….then the third…then the fourth…(time passes)….then the 14th, then the 15th….(time passes)…then the 25th, then the 26th….you get the idea. I don’t think she didn’t drink once. My initial thought was "Yeah, right, she’s gotta be lying about this." But then "Jennifer" (Nancy' friend) leaned over to me and said "Every word she's saying is true."

After about a half an hour the game was changing from "If I've Ever..." to "Things Nancy Does." I'm looking around the room at all the guys, with their jaws on the floor. Trust me, some of these statements towards the end were just plain crazy. You remember that list I mentioned earlier about all the skills Nancy had (coach, teacher, etc.)? Unless I misheard her, we could now add a few more to it…dominatrix, stripper and porno star.

Anyway, the game breaks up and I head home. A few days later, I wake up and head over to Sunday mass at the college chapel. As the mass is about to start, I hear a voice say "Please join us in our opening hymn..." I'm like. "I know that voice. Didn't I hear that same voice a few nights ago saying things like 'If I've Ever...performed a lapdance, drink up'? I look up, and you guessed it.....it's Nancy. She was leading the choir!

That was the longest mass of my life...wondering the whole time if the church was going to get struck by lightening.

The 10 Commandments of Club Dancing

This past Saturday night was a birthday party for B.S. (What’s this new thing about using everyone’s initials?) Whatever. So, anyway, we hit “Hurricane O’Reilly’s” in Boston. There was food, friends, laughter, and a good time was had by all. There was also plenty of dancing.

Ah, yes. Dancing. The thorn in the side for 99% of Caucasian males, myself included. Look, I freely admit that I can’t dance to save my life. God only knows what I look like out on the dance floor. The first thing I always do is look around and find one guy dancing really, really badly and I say to myself “Well, as long as he’s out here, there’ll be less laughter in my direction.”

But, hey, I also admit that I like getting out on the dance floor. What the hell, right? I’m a “theater person”, and you know what they say about them (no, aside from that, you chumps)…these are the people who don’t mind “making asses of themselves all the time.” Damn straight. And since I’ve been good at making an ass of myself long before I was a “theater person”, I can live with the dance floor chuckles. I have my system…start out slowly, gradually get into it, occasionally start dancing with a member of the female persuasion (usually one of my female friends; thanks, girls, for humoring me), scan the dance floor and make sure nobody is laughing hysterically at me, go back to dancing, and then retreat back to the safety of the bar to regroup. Then the whole process repeats itself over the course of the night.

I just kind of “move to the music”, and I’ll say it right now…I don’t know exactly what to do out there. But I do know what NOT to do. If you ever want to see something really funny, watch people on a dance floor. The rules of society go right out the window and suddenly everyone becomes a “theater person” and makes a Grade A fool of themselves.

I think it’s time for a little refresher course in dance floor etiquette. Here now, are the 10 commandments of club dancing:

1. Thou shalt not keep bumping into the Bouncers.

These two guys kept knocking up against a mountain of a bouncer, who easily tipped the scales at 300 pounds. He finally shoved them away from him and gave them a look that could melt lead. They quickly “amscrayed”. Nice work, boys. I’m sure the ladies were swooning.

2. Thou shalt not just grab any girl’s ass and expect her to fall in love with you.

Ladies, does this work for you? I’m watching guys walk up to complete strangers, grabbing their behinds, and then when the girl spins around in shock, they’ve got this lame-ass expression on their face like “Hey, baby, did that make you hot?” Yeah, I’m sure she’s ready to be the mother of your children.

3. Thou shalt not dress in clothes that do nothing for you.

This goes for guys and gals alike. Look, I’m not trying to be a sexist pig, but girls, if you don’t have the body type for it, I think it would be nice if you stayed away from belly shirts, mini-skirts, or extremely tight pants. (And if you think I’m being mean, trust me, I’m trying to do you a favor. I heard maybe the crudest comment of my life from a guy in the bathroom who was making fun of a rather “large” girl on the floor who was dressed in totally the wrong way. And all of his cronies roared with laughter. Nobody deserves that kind of abuse.) I’m just saying; there’s a way for everyone to “sex themselves” up a bit, just do your research.

And guys, you, too. If you want your muscles to show through your tight shirt, fine. But remember that the difference between muscles and flab is a very fine line!

4. Thou shalt not sing along with the music unless thou knows the words cold.

Seriously, folks. Makes you look like a complete moron.

5. Thou shalt not cop feels that last longer than one song.

We’ve all seen them. The couple out on the floor that’s been sucking face for the last 10 minutes. At first you might think “Aw, how sweet.” After a while, you’re like “Ok, get a room.” After a few songs, all I can think is “My God, that woman is dying! Someone help that poor man, he’s been giving her mouth-to-mouth for a long time!” Hey, I don’t mind Public Displays of Affection, but do the world a favor: Wait until you get home before practicing removing your girlfriend’s bra or fondling your boyfriend below the belt. Sheesh!

6. Thou shalt not bring a drink on the dance floor and then act surprised when most (or all) of it spills all over the place.

Ah, I just paid over 10 bucks for this really cool drink. I think I’ll bring it to the middle of the floor, where people are gyrating wildly. Pure genius!

Come on, now. Why don’t you put it down on a table and just dance closer the table? Which brings us to Number 7:

7. Thou shalt not destroy the club with my “moves of doom.”

Some people are too gun-shy to get on the floor themselves, so they hang back by the tables or near the bar. Fine, no problem there. But it seems like every now and then, you get some joker who decides to start dancing like a lunatic, waving his and arms and legs like he’s having a stroke. Maybe he’s kidding around for his friends, but these moves often result in the guy laying waste to a table full of drinks or bottles on the bar. I saw it happen once and his friend snapped a picture of the wreckage with his camera. Next time, guys, take a picture of the ass-kicking the bouncer gives you when he gets over there. I guarantee it will be more entertaining.

8. Thou shalt not destroy people’s feet with your shoes.

Ladies, this is pretty much all you. Hey, I love a great looking pair of heels as much as the next guy, but if you’re not the most graceful girl in the world, watch it. Nothing worse then being sidelined from the dance floor because your girlfriend almost impaled your foot with her 4-inch stiletto.

9. Thou shalt not try and dance with every other girl in the club if thou came with someone.

Unless you’re swingers, this is a no-no in every phase of life.

And finally:

10. Thou shalt not use dancing with a girl as an excuse to fondle her.

If she’s game, fine. But odds are if a girl is willing to dance with you, it’s not an invitation to grab her breasts, her ass, or any other part of her. Besides you never know…she may be dancing with you because her 250-lb. muscular boyfriend just tried the same thing and so she’s dancing with someone else to make him jealous. When he gets back, you’re a dead man.

There you go. “Thy will be done.”

Ever "Google" yourself?

Have you ever “Googled” yourself? (No, that’s not some slang term for a sexual act, you perverts.) Have you ever done a Google search for your full name? Well, I did. Check out these results. A Google search for “Glenn Wakeley” yielded the following:

1. The Merrimack Valley Players website with information about the Wake, our spring show written by Jeff K and yours truly. Ok, no problems there.

2. Audition announcements for the Wake, from the “Andover Townsman”. Bit out of date, but still OK.

3. Also from the “Andover Townsman”, an article written about me and another girl from Andover, from when we did a show together with the Salem Town and Country Players…in 1999! Here’s a link to the article. Let’s see who can laugh the loudest at how dumb I look:

www.andovertownsman.com/news/19991209/AE_003.html

4. In 1975, six laymen formed the LSA organization. It was a basketball league for high school kids. And, apparently, in 1979, there was a player on the team named…Glenn Wakeley. There’s a Glenn Wakeley out there who could play basketball? Ha! I knew this name carried a tiny bit of athletic ability!

5. At Western Carolina University, a former chancellor was named Chancellor Wakeley. Hmm…I kind of like the sound of that.

6. The Historical and Genealogical Name Index website teaches us that somewhere in the US, there are three people named: Gil Wakeley, Gilbert Wakeley and Geneva Wakeley. Gilbert? What’s the matter, were there other kids in the neighborhood named Lester or Feivel?

7. There is a charter fishing organization based out of Michigan. For a small fee, these guys will take you on a three hour fishing trip, complete with all appropriate excitement. Their address is:
Guilt-Trip Charter Fishing
1706 Wakeley Bride Road
Grayling, MI

A bridge, huh? Not bad. I’m just glad they didn’t put my name on an outhouse or a rest stop.

8. And my personal favorite:

Alan Wakeley, who is the director of public affairs for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, repsonded to the recent negative coverage given to his organization. Mr. Wakeley said that while most news reports from Salt Lake City have been fair, others are "full of arrant nonsense and prejudice" and prove that Mormons are still as persecuted as they were when they fled to Utah in 1847.

Fight the power!

So, there you have it folks. Try Googling your name and you, too, may discover little nuggets of information, like the fact that in 1951, there was a 15 minute radio broadcast called Jimmy Wakeley’s Song Parade!