The 10 Commandments of Club Dancing
This past Saturday night was a birthday party for B.S. (What’s this new thing about using everyone’s initials?) Whatever. So, anyway, we hit “Hurricane O’Reilly’s” in Boston. There was food, friends, laughter, and a good time was had by all. There was also plenty of dancing.
Ah, yes. Dancing. The thorn in the side for 99% of Caucasian males, myself included. Look, I freely admit that I can’t dance to save my life. God only knows what I look like out on the dance floor. The first thing I always do is look around and find one guy dancing really, really badly and I say to myself “Well, as long as he’s out here, there’ll be less laughter in my direction.”
But, hey, I also admit that I like getting out on the dance floor. What the hell, right? I’m a “theater person”, and you know what they say about them (no, aside from that, you chumps)…these are the people who don’t mind “making asses of themselves all the time.” Damn straight. And since I’ve been good at making an ass of myself long before I was a “theater person”, I can live with the dance floor chuckles. I have my system…start out slowly, gradually get into it, occasionally start dancing with a member of the female persuasion (usually one of my female friends; thanks, girls, for humoring me), scan the dance floor and make sure nobody is laughing hysterically at me, go back to dancing, and then retreat back to the safety of the bar to regroup. Then the whole process repeats itself over the course of the night.
I just kind of “move to the music”, and I’ll say it right now…I don’t know exactly what to do out there. But I do know what NOT to do. If you ever want to see something really funny, watch people on a dance floor. The rules of society go right out the window and suddenly everyone becomes a “theater person” and makes a Grade A fool of themselves.
I think it’s time for a little refresher course in dance floor etiquette. Here now, are the 10 commandments of club dancing:
1. Thou shalt not keep bumping into the Bouncers.
These two guys kept knocking up against a mountain of a bouncer, who easily tipped the scales at 300 pounds. He finally shoved them away from him and gave them a look that could melt lead. They quickly “amscrayed”. Nice work, boys. I’m sure the ladies were swooning.
2. Thou shalt not just grab any girl’s ass and expect her to fall in love with you.
Ladies, does this work for you? I’m watching guys walk up to complete strangers, grabbing their behinds, and then when the girl spins around in shock, they’ve got this lame-ass expression on their face like “Hey, baby, did that make you hot?” Yeah, I’m sure she’s ready to be the mother of your children.
3. Thou shalt not dress in clothes that do nothing for you.
This goes for guys and gals alike. Look, I’m not trying to be a sexist pig, but girls, if you don’t have the body type for it, I think it would be nice if you stayed away from belly shirts, mini-skirts, or extremely tight pants. (And if you think I’m being mean, trust me, I’m trying to do you a favor. I heard maybe the crudest comment of my life from a guy in the bathroom who was making fun of a rather “large” girl on the floor who was dressed in totally the wrong way. And all of his cronies roared with laughter. Nobody deserves that kind of abuse.) I’m just saying; there’s a way for everyone to “sex themselves” up a bit, just do your research.
And guys, you, too. If you want your muscles to show through your tight shirt, fine. But remember that the difference between muscles and flab is a very fine line!
4. Thou shalt not sing along with the music unless thou knows the words cold.
Seriously, folks. Makes you look like a complete moron.
5. Thou shalt not cop feels that last longer than one song.
We’ve all seen them. The couple out on the floor that’s been sucking face for the last 10 minutes. At first you might think “Aw, how sweet.” After a while, you’re like “Ok, get a room.” After a few songs, all I can think is “My God, that woman is dying! Someone help that poor man, he’s been giving her mouth-to-mouth for a long time!” Hey, I don’t mind Public Displays of Affection, but do the world a favor: Wait until you get home before practicing removing your girlfriend’s bra or fondling your boyfriend below the belt. Sheesh!
6. Thou shalt not bring a drink on the dance floor and then act surprised when most (or all) of it spills all over the place.
Ah, I just paid over 10 bucks for this really cool drink. I think I’ll bring it to the middle of the floor, where people are gyrating wildly. Pure genius!
Come on, now. Why don’t you put it down on a table and just dance closer the table? Which brings us to Number 7:
7. Thou shalt not destroy the club with my “moves of doom.”
Some people are too gun-shy to get on the floor themselves, so they hang back by the tables or near the bar. Fine, no problem there. But it seems like every now and then, you get some joker who decides to start dancing like a lunatic, waving his and arms and legs like he’s having a stroke. Maybe he’s kidding around for his friends, but these moves often result in the guy laying waste to a table full of drinks or bottles on the bar. I saw it happen once and his friend snapped a picture of the wreckage with his camera. Next time, guys, take a picture of the ass-kicking the bouncer gives you when he gets over there. I guarantee it will be more entertaining.
8. Thou shalt not destroy people’s feet with your shoes.
Ladies, this is pretty much all you. Hey, I love a great looking pair of heels as much as the next guy, but if you’re not the most graceful girl in the world, watch it. Nothing worse then being sidelined from the dance floor because your girlfriend almost impaled your foot with her 4-inch stiletto.
9. Thou shalt not try and dance with every other girl in the club if thou came with someone.
Unless you’re swingers, this is a no-no in every phase of life.
And finally:
10. Thou shalt not use dancing with a girl as an excuse to fondle her.
If she’s game, fine. But odds are if a girl is willing to dance with you, it’s not an invitation to grab her breasts, her ass, or any other part of her. Besides you never know…she may be dancing with you because her 250-lb. muscular boyfriend just tried the same thing and so she’s dancing with someone else to make him jealous. When he gets back, you’re a dead man.
There you go. “Thy will be done.”
Ah, yes. Dancing. The thorn in the side for 99% of Caucasian males, myself included. Look, I freely admit that I can’t dance to save my life. God only knows what I look like out on the dance floor. The first thing I always do is look around and find one guy dancing really, really badly and I say to myself “Well, as long as he’s out here, there’ll be less laughter in my direction.”
But, hey, I also admit that I like getting out on the dance floor. What the hell, right? I’m a “theater person”, and you know what they say about them (no, aside from that, you chumps)…these are the people who don’t mind “making asses of themselves all the time.” Damn straight. And since I’ve been good at making an ass of myself long before I was a “theater person”, I can live with the dance floor chuckles. I have my system…start out slowly, gradually get into it, occasionally start dancing with a member of the female persuasion (usually one of my female friends; thanks, girls, for humoring me), scan the dance floor and make sure nobody is laughing hysterically at me, go back to dancing, and then retreat back to the safety of the bar to regroup. Then the whole process repeats itself over the course of the night.
I just kind of “move to the music”, and I’ll say it right now…I don’t know exactly what to do out there. But I do know what NOT to do. If you ever want to see something really funny, watch people on a dance floor. The rules of society go right out the window and suddenly everyone becomes a “theater person” and makes a Grade A fool of themselves.
I think it’s time for a little refresher course in dance floor etiquette. Here now, are the 10 commandments of club dancing:
1. Thou shalt not keep bumping into the Bouncers.
These two guys kept knocking up against a mountain of a bouncer, who easily tipped the scales at 300 pounds. He finally shoved them away from him and gave them a look that could melt lead. They quickly “amscrayed”. Nice work, boys. I’m sure the ladies were swooning.
2. Thou shalt not just grab any girl’s ass and expect her to fall in love with you.
Ladies, does this work for you? I’m watching guys walk up to complete strangers, grabbing their behinds, and then when the girl spins around in shock, they’ve got this lame-ass expression on their face like “Hey, baby, did that make you hot?” Yeah, I’m sure she’s ready to be the mother of your children.
3. Thou shalt not dress in clothes that do nothing for you.
This goes for guys and gals alike. Look, I’m not trying to be a sexist pig, but girls, if you don’t have the body type for it, I think it would be nice if you stayed away from belly shirts, mini-skirts, or extremely tight pants. (And if you think I’m being mean, trust me, I’m trying to do you a favor. I heard maybe the crudest comment of my life from a guy in the bathroom who was making fun of a rather “large” girl on the floor who was dressed in totally the wrong way. And all of his cronies roared with laughter. Nobody deserves that kind of abuse.) I’m just saying; there’s a way for everyone to “sex themselves” up a bit, just do your research.
And guys, you, too. If you want your muscles to show through your tight shirt, fine. But remember that the difference between muscles and flab is a very fine line!
4. Thou shalt not sing along with the music unless thou knows the words cold.
Seriously, folks. Makes you look like a complete moron.
5. Thou shalt not cop feels that last longer than one song.
We’ve all seen them. The couple out on the floor that’s been sucking face for the last 10 minutes. At first you might think “Aw, how sweet.” After a while, you’re like “Ok, get a room.” After a few songs, all I can think is “My God, that woman is dying! Someone help that poor man, he’s been giving her mouth-to-mouth for a long time!” Hey, I don’t mind Public Displays of Affection, but do the world a favor: Wait until you get home before practicing removing your girlfriend’s bra or fondling your boyfriend below the belt. Sheesh!
6. Thou shalt not bring a drink on the dance floor and then act surprised when most (or all) of it spills all over the place.
Ah, I just paid over 10 bucks for this really cool drink. I think I’ll bring it to the middle of the floor, where people are gyrating wildly. Pure genius!
Come on, now. Why don’t you put it down on a table and just dance closer the table? Which brings us to Number 7:
7. Thou shalt not destroy the club with my “moves of doom.”
Some people are too gun-shy to get on the floor themselves, so they hang back by the tables or near the bar. Fine, no problem there. But it seems like every now and then, you get some joker who decides to start dancing like a lunatic, waving his and arms and legs like he’s having a stroke. Maybe he’s kidding around for his friends, but these moves often result in the guy laying waste to a table full of drinks or bottles on the bar. I saw it happen once and his friend snapped a picture of the wreckage with his camera. Next time, guys, take a picture of the ass-kicking the bouncer gives you when he gets over there. I guarantee it will be more entertaining.
8. Thou shalt not destroy people’s feet with your shoes.
Ladies, this is pretty much all you. Hey, I love a great looking pair of heels as much as the next guy, but if you’re not the most graceful girl in the world, watch it. Nothing worse then being sidelined from the dance floor because your girlfriend almost impaled your foot with her 4-inch stiletto.
9. Thou shalt not try and dance with every other girl in the club if thou came with someone.
Unless you’re swingers, this is a no-no in every phase of life.
And finally:
10. Thou shalt not use dancing with a girl as an excuse to fondle her.
If she’s game, fine. But odds are if a girl is willing to dance with you, it’s not an invitation to grab her breasts, her ass, or any other part of her. Besides you never know…she may be dancing with you because her 250-lb. muscular boyfriend just tried the same thing and so she’s dancing with someone else to make him jealous. When he gets back, you’re a dead man.
There you go. “Thy will be done.”
posted by Glenn at 10:42 AM
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