The 10 Problems of Stage Dancing
The following is a corollary to an earlier blog entry “The 10 Commandments of Club Dancing.”
Phil Collins wrote a song called “I Can’t Dance”…(did he do this one while he was with Genesis?) Never has a song described me so well.
As rehearsals move along for “Dolly”, trying to get a handle on these dances is a comedy of errors. I’m not a dancer. Plain and simple. I don’t mind dancing, and I like doing it at clubs or at weddings, but at least in places like that, it doesn’t matter if your dancing is loose and kind of a free-for-all. Who cares if you move all over the floor or do some dumb little moves?
But when you’re on stage, in a show, in front of an audience, the dancing needs to have a lot more structure. In other words, the choreographer tells you what to do, and you gotta do it, exactly right.
Problem #1: I can’t remember steps.
I actually have a pretty good memory, but I can’t remember dance steps! I’m always going “Ok, so after we kick, we put our arms up, and then…um, what comes next?” ‘Course, by then, I’m already 5 steps behind everyone else.
Problem #2: I have zero flexibility.
Plastic Man, I ain’t.
Problem #3: I have no rhythm.
Actually, I do have a tiny bit, but outside of occasional jazz squares, it doesn’t get me very far.
Problem #4: I cause bodily harm to my other dancers.
Just ask Danielle, whose eye made an unfortunate introduction with my elbow while working on a dance.
Problem #5: I have two left feet.
Look, I trip a lot when I WALK. Add music and dancing, and forget it. And if you ask me to chew gum while all this is going on, my brain would explode.
Problem #6: Waltzes, Polkas and ball changes, oh my.
Waltzing…think I can handle that. But we have to waltz in a circle, while circling around our partners! Aw, crap. And polkas? What the hell?? Seriously, when’s the last time you ‘polkaed’ in public? Been to any beer drinking contests in Germany lately?
Problem #7: I don’t want to take others down with me.
Beth, my dear, we’ll get this, I promise. I don’t mind looking silly onstage, but since I have a dance partner now, I want to make sure we both come out of this looking good.
Problem #8: I need to win the lottery.
(This has nothing to do with dance, but worth mentioning.)
Problem #9: I tend to jump the gun or be a step behind.
Remember the Simpsons episode when they do the big song and dance number about the monorail?
Everyone: (singing to a big flourish) “Monorail……Monorail…..Monorail!”
MONORAIL!
(pause)
Homer: Mono! (beat) D’oh!
Sometimes, that’s me.
Problem #10: I get jealous of those who can dance.
Sometimes when we dance, I look around at those doing it with ease, and I feel envious.
So what to do? Well, I’m an actor, right? Guess I’ll just ACT like I can dance. Brace yourself, this July, you’re going to see the best acting I’ve ever done!
Phil Collins wrote a song called “I Can’t Dance”…(did he do this one while he was with Genesis?) Never has a song described me so well.
As rehearsals move along for “Dolly”, trying to get a handle on these dances is a comedy of errors. I’m not a dancer. Plain and simple. I don’t mind dancing, and I like doing it at clubs or at weddings, but at least in places like that, it doesn’t matter if your dancing is loose and kind of a free-for-all. Who cares if you move all over the floor or do some dumb little moves?
But when you’re on stage, in a show, in front of an audience, the dancing needs to have a lot more structure. In other words, the choreographer tells you what to do, and you gotta do it, exactly right.
Problem #1: I can’t remember steps.
I actually have a pretty good memory, but I can’t remember dance steps! I’m always going “Ok, so after we kick, we put our arms up, and then…um, what comes next?” ‘Course, by then, I’m already 5 steps behind everyone else.
Problem #2: I have zero flexibility.
Plastic Man, I ain’t.
Problem #3: I have no rhythm.
Actually, I do have a tiny bit, but outside of occasional jazz squares, it doesn’t get me very far.
Problem #4: I cause bodily harm to my other dancers.
Just ask Danielle, whose eye made an unfortunate introduction with my elbow while working on a dance.
Problem #5: I have two left feet.
Look, I trip a lot when I WALK. Add music and dancing, and forget it. And if you ask me to chew gum while all this is going on, my brain would explode.
Problem #6: Waltzes, Polkas and ball changes, oh my.
Waltzing…think I can handle that. But we have to waltz in a circle, while circling around our partners! Aw, crap. And polkas? What the hell?? Seriously, when’s the last time you ‘polkaed’ in public? Been to any beer drinking contests in Germany lately?
Problem #7: I don’t want to take others down with me.
Beth, my dear, we’ll get this, I promise. I don’t mind looking silly onstage, but since I have a dance partner now, I want to make sure we both come out of this looking good.
Problem #8: I need to win the lottery.
(This has nothing to do with dance, but worth mentioning.)
Problem #9: I tend to jump the gun or be a step behind.
Remember the Simpsons episode when they do the big song and dance number about the monorail?
Everyone: (singing to a big flourish) “Monorail……Monorail…..Monorail!”
MONORAIL!
(pause)
Homer: Mono! (beat) D’oh!
Sometimes, that’s me.
Problem #10: I get jealous of those who can dance.
Sometimes when we dance, I look around at those doing it with ease, and I feel envious.
So what to do? Well, I’m an actor, right? Guess I’ll just ACT like I can dance. Brace yourself, this July, you’re going to see the best acting I’ve ever done!
posted by Glenn at 6:07 AM
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