Rooster in the Henhouse?

Here at work, there are four women who all sit within 20 yards of me. All very nice women, (and yeah, I’ll say it) all very attractive.

They are also all very MARRIED. Oh, and one more thing, they are all PREGNANT.

There are a lot of jokes flying around that there’s something in the water around here. But now there’s a new joke…about the guy who sits next to all these women. Been working a lot of late nights?

I’m gonna say this once: IT WASN’T ME! Mailman, perhaps, UPS guy, maybe, but certainly not me.

Look, if you want to think that somehow I’m sneaking around with all these women and having one illegitimate child after another…well, go ahead, I guess. What the hell, I can put up with a little scandal every now and then.

But let’s get real here. Would I really have four children from four different women?

Who am I, a player in the NBA?

The 10 Problems of Stage Dancing

The following is a corollary to an earlier blog entry “The 10 Commandments of Club Dancing.”

Phil Collins wrote a song called “I Can’t Dance”…(did he do this one while he was with Genesis?) Never has a song described me so well.

As rehearsals move along for “Dolly”, trying to get a handle on these dances is a comedy of errors. I’m not a dancer. Plain and simple. I don’t mind dancing, and I like doing it at clubs or at weddings, but at least in places like that, it doesn’t matter if your dancing is loose and kind of a free-for-all. Who cares if you move all over the floor or do some dumb little moves?

But when you’re on stage, in a show, in front of an audience, the dancing needs to have a lot more structure. In other words, the choreographer tells you what to do, and you gotta do it, exactly right.

Problem #1: I can’t remember steps.

I actually have a pretty good memory, but I can’t remember dance steps! I’m always going “Ok, so after we kick, we put our arms up, and then…um, what comes next?” ‘Course, by then, I’m already 5 steps behind everyone else.

Problem #2: I have zero flexibility.

Plastic Man, I ain’t.

Problem #3: I have no rhythm.

Actually, I do have a tiny bit, but outside of occasional jazz squares, it doesn’t get me very far.

Problem #4: I cause bodily harm to my other dancers.

Just ask Danielle, whose eye made an unfortunate introduction with my elbow while working on a dance.

Problem #5: I have two left feet.

Look, I trip a lot when I WALK. Add music and dancing, and forget it. And if you ask me to chew gum while all this is going on, my brain would explode.

Problem #6: Waltzes, Polkas and ball changes, oh my.

Waltzing…think I can handle that. But we have to waltz in a circle, while circling around our partners! Aw, crap. And polkas? What the hell?? Seriously, when’s the last time you ‘polkaed’ in public? Been to any beer drinking contests in Germany lately?

Problem #7: I don’t want to take others down with me.

Beth, my dear, we’ll get this, I promise. I don’t mind looking silly onstage, but since I have a dance partner now, I want to make sure we both come out of this looking good.

Problem #8: I need to win the lottery.

(This has nothing to do with dance, but worth mentioning.)

Problem #9: I tend to jump the gun or be a step behind.

Remember the Simpsons episode when they do the big song and dance number about the monorail?

Everyone: (singing to a big flourish) “Monorail……Monorail…..Monorail!”

MONORAIL!

(pause)

Homer: Mono! (beat) D’oh!

Sometimes, that’s me.

Problem #10: I get jealous of those who can dance.

Sometimes when we dance, I look around at those doing it with ease, and I feel envious.

So what to do? Well, I’m an actor, right? Guess I’ll just ACT like I can dance. Brace yourself, this July, you’re going to see the best acting I’ve ever done!

Bark! or Meow?

It’s been said that there are two types of people in this world: dog people and cat people.

I’m definitely a cat person. Why, you ask? No clue. Ever since I was 8 years old, I’ve always had cats in the house. I think it could also partly be because when I was a kid and used to walk home from school, I had a couple of scary run-ins with dogs. One time, a dog attacked my pant leg, and another time the dog tore my backpack with his teeth. (How do you like that? The dog DID EAT my homework!)

I don’t care how tough you think you are, when a dog (or any large animal) comes flying at you, you’re going to freak out. And when you’re 9 years old? Pfft. Forget it, we’re talking trauma. Not that cats won’t attack, too. But since your average cat weighs 10 lbs or less, we’re not talking “maul” here. Nobody likes getting scratched by a cat, but I dislike getting bitten by a large dog much more.

It’s not that I hate dogs, mind you. I just think cats are more interesting animals. And that goes all the way up the food chain. Ever see nature footage of a tiger or a leopard killing a zebra or something? Nasty! Ever see footage of a cheetah chasing after something? Now that’s FAST. But canines are not slouches. To me, the scariest thing that can happen in the wild is to be chased or attacked by a wolf. That’s some vicious stuff.

Which do you prefer?


The Case for Cats

1. They’re independent and very clean

Always with the licking. (yuk, yuk) But, hey, it’s what they do. Cats never need a bath. And when a cat goes outside to do his “business”, there’s no need to follow him around with the ole’ “scooper”. When’s the last time you heard someone complain about stepping in “cat doo”?

2. They’re graceful

“Always land on their feet.” Ever watch a cat running at top speed and come to dead stop? They stop on a dime. And they can jump pretty damn high. I also find it funny when a cat stretches himself to amazing lengths (go, plastic man!)

3. They’re (relatively) quiet

I admit, cats tend to yowl at 3 AM, but that doesn’t bug me nearly as much as the dog barking his head off, which is like 50 decibels louder. Cats make noise, but when the doorbell rings, or someone new walks in the room, there’s no mad barking. In fact, odds are, the cat will scurry off and hide.

4. They’re affectionate…to a point

This is one area where I admit that dogs have the edge. “Man’s best friend”, indeed. However, if you get a cat as a kitten and treat it well, the cat can grow to be very friendly. I had a cat that used to FOLLOW me around on my paper route. He would stay on my heels every step of the way. Kinda rare in cats, but it can happen.

5. They’re the KING

Which animal is king of the jungle? The lion, that’s who. I suppose in the animal kingodm, felines score a lot of points for being labelled the “king.”


The Case for Dogs

1. Man’s best friend

I submit this one to the dogs. A well-trained dog can be a really good pet. And here’s an odd piece of trivia for you: when a cat sits in your lap for an extended period of time, they’ll get sick of you after a while, and hop off. Not a dog. They’ll stay with you as long as you want.

2. They’re trainable

I think it’s cool that a dog can respond to “Sit!” and “Heel!” or “Fetch!” or whatever. Try asking your cat to go fetch the paper!

3. They’re not so independent (but that’s a good thing)

Sure, they need to be walked and kept on a leash, but some people love the idea of walking the dog. (Great way to meet girls, right?) Good excercise, too.


4. They’ll protect you

Yeah, I hate barking late at night, but if it scares off the guy making off with my DVD player, I'll live with it. A well-trained dog can also be taught to alert someone if you’re hurt. (“Lassie!”)

5. Seeing-eye dogs

A real Godsend to the blind. Not many animals can be trained to be this helpful.

So, which is it?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tune in next week, when we discuss other pets:

“Fixed” skunks (i.e., no smell)

vs.

Boa constrictors

I know people who have both of these animals as pets!