Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I'm baa-aack...

Ok, folks, it occurred to me that I've been away from my blog for almost a year.

Some might call that progress. I call it being neglectful.

So, I've decided to return... if Bruce Willis can make "Die Hard 4", Harrison Ford can make "Indiana Jones 4" and Stallone can make "Rocky Balboa" (which was a really good movie... no matter what anyone says), then I can go back to writing about...um...stuff, yeah, that's it.

So, I'm back to my usual inane chatter, funny (I hope) anecdotes, and Cosby-like, jazz-like stories. And who knows, this time around I just might actually try to get 'deep' and (dare I say it?) controversial. *gasp!* What the hell, I can touch on the prickly issues of the day. Does it get any better than this? (Yeah, I know it does, so keep your sarcasm to yourself.)

Whew, I'm tired. Guess I better ease back into this. That's enough for one day. Keep your eyes peeled for more entries...

And if anyone has any ideas for entries, bring it on. (Huh? What's that? Yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to ask other people for entry ideas... but then again, my blog has always been different from the others. Besides, I'm lazy and low on ideas for now.)

Peace

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Beauty and the Beast: The Funny Moments

I recently finished a run of "Beauty and the Beast" at the Palace. Amazing show, with some mind-blowing special effects. It also marked the longest run I’ve ever done for a show…13 performances in all, over 3 weekends. Here are some of the funnier moments:

Audition chuckles

(Glenn files into the audition room with 6 other people. He looks over his music, preparing for his audition. Currently on the hot spot is a guy with a pretty deep voice, singing "Corner of the Sky" from "Pippin.")

Glenn: (to himself) Huh. Pretty low voice… (looks up)…oh…it’s a woman! Ahem. Um, but why is she singing a male song…? Actually, I think I know the answer to that one.

Something rotten in the dressing room…

(Walking down the hall, Glenn spots his dressing room.)

Glenn: Hey, cool, a shower! (sniffs) Man, something reeks. (leans down to the shower drain) Yuck! Smells like a sewer! Nasty!
Actor sharing the room with me: PU!!!!
Glenn: Tell me about it.

(the next night)

Actor sharing the room with me: I brought a scented candle.
Costume designer: No open flames in the dressing room!
Actor sharing the room with me: Either look the other way or we’re changing in the girls’ room cuz it smells like sh*t in here!
Costume designer: (sighs) Fine. God, I hate the plumbing in this town.

That ain’t beer…

(During the "Gaston" number, all actors did some schtick with beer mugs, banging them together in a rhythmic fashion. Only, at the dress rehearsal, when they all clinked mugs together, fluid came splashing out of them all, dousing the actors.)

Director: Hold! Please don’t put water in the mugs!
"Gaston": Uh…this ain’t water…is there a leak in the smoke machine or something…?
Other actors: Eeeeeeewwwwww!

Who says actors are all about sex? - pt 1

(TRIVIA: When professional actors wear microphone packs, they wrap them in condoms. They are designed to be gentle on the skin and they protect the packs from sweat and body oils.)

Actor (shouting down the hall on opening night): I need a condom!
Another actor: Don’t we all!

Dancing woes

Director: I need polka dancers for this scene. Glenn, can you polka?
Glenn: (as "Dolly" flashbacks fill my head) Um…not so much, no.


Who says actors are all about sex? - pt 2

(During the break of an intense rehearsal, Glenn walks into the back room to find three guys standing around laughing and one girl holding an ice pack to her crotch)

Actress: I pulled a groin muscle!
Glenn: Um…from the dancing, right?
Actress: Huh?
Glenn: Well, I mean, there’s three guys standing here laughing and you’ve got ice on your…you know what? Never mind.


Like butter…

Costume designer: Here you go, Glenn, this is your costume for the "enchanted objects" scene.
(hands Glenn a large, yellow, rectangular suit…)

Glenn: Uh…I’ll bite…what is it?
Costume designer: It’s butter.
Glenn: Butter?
Costume designer: Yeah, butter.
Glenn: Well, I’m making a "character decision" to be "I Can’t Believe it’s not Butter." Hope that’s alright.

(moments after the first dress rehearsal)

Costume designer: Glenn, we’re changing your costume. That butter looks dumb.
(hands Glenn a silver suit, with a spoon head attached to the back)
Costume designer: Now you’re going to be –
Glenn: Lemme guess. A spoon?
Costume designer: Yup.
Glenn: Hey, can I cut slits in the spoon head and be a "spork"?
Costume designer: No.

Who hasn’t done this?

While the "enchanted objects" wait to make their entrance, suddenly one of the actresses dashes off in horror:

Actress: I forgot my "cheese grater" costume!!!
Glenn: Ha! Cheese grater! Who’s the toilet plunger?

Set pieces moved, with a vengeance

(One of the background sets is "Belle’s House" and it gets flown in (i.e. a crew member pulls the ropes to lower it onto the stage). This happens during the Narrator’s opening monologue)

Narrator: Once upon time, in a far away land, a young prince lived in a massive castle…

(SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!)

(everyone turns to the crew member)

Crew member: (sheepish) Sorry. Spike was in the wrong place…guess I don’t have to lower it so much, huh? (chuckles nervously)

Where there’s smoke…

(As the show nears its end, Belle utters the fateful words "I love you", thus breaking the spell and transforming the Beast back into a prince. Glenn stands offstage to watch the "transformation scene.")

Glenn (as smoke starts to pour around him): Huh…(cough)…what the…(cough, cough)…um, hello? (cough) We’ve got a fire somewhere…!
Actor: It’s the smoke machine, dumbass! Move away from it!
Glenn: I knew that. (cough)

Friday, March 10, 2006

"One Small Step..."

I was born in 1976, which means I missed the first moon landing by 7 years. It also means I missed the last moon landing by 4 years. Now, be honest, how many of you thought there was only one landing on the moon? I'm not surprised.

The Apollo moon landings is one of my favorite parts of history. I'm kind of a "space" junkie anyway (i.e. I like Star Wars, Star Trek, etc.) and I still am fascinated by the fact that we sent men to walk on the moon. Men actually walked on another planetary body. Why did NASA stop sending men there? Most likely because the Space Race was over by the time Neil Armstrong took his one small step. The idea of going to the moon was to beat the Russians there, and once that was accomplished, the idea of spending billions of dollars to send men to the moon just didn't sit well with most Americans, especially with the Vietnam War still raging.

I have read just about every book written about the Space Race, including those written by the astronauts themselves. Think you know a lot about the Apollo program? Let's find out.

1.) 12 lucky men have had the privilege of walking on the moon. There should have been 14, but Apollo 13 never landed on the moon.

2.) Did you know that President Nixon actually had a speech prepared for the nation in case Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong got "marooned" on the moon? Look it up, it's on the web somewhere.

3.) The Apollo 10 mission was a full blown "dress rehearsal" for the first landing. The crew took the lunar module down to within 50,000 feet of the surface. Many in NASA wanted the crew to just make the landing. "Why not just have them go all the way, since they're so close?" was the argument. But there were still numerous things to be tested, including the docking of the LM and CM in lunar orbit, and it was decided that there was way too many things that could go wrong without proper testing. If something tragic had happened on Apollo 10, and lives had been lost, the Apollo program might be cut right there, and how would it look to the world if astronauts came within 50,000 feet of the moon but couldn't get into the endzone? Apollo 10 was a huge success, paving the way for the Apollo 11 landing on July 20, 1969.

4.) Apollo 11 was less than 30 seconds away from aborting the landing as Armstrong and Aldrin descended to the moon. Armstrong's quick thinking and intense pilot skills secured the landing. Extremely low on fuel, a mission control worker shouted out "Someone tell Armstrong there ain't no gas stations on the moon."

5.) Immediately following the Eagle's landing, one of the first things Buzz Aldrin did on the moon was take Holy Communion. Once he stepped onto the surface, one of the first things he did was urinate into his special urine bag in his spacesuit.

6.) In an interview, Jack Swaggert, CMP (Command Module Pilot) of Apollo 13 was asked if he was sad that he would not get a chance to set foot on the moon. (CMP's stayed in orbit in the CM, while the Commander and Lunar Module Pilot went to the surface.) Swaggert said he was okay with it because his job was far more dangerous and nerve-wracking. Asked why, he said "Well, if something should go wrong, God Forbid, and my two fellow astronauts get stuck on the moon's surface, I would have to pilot the ship home by myself. Do you want to fly from the moon to the earth ALONE, knowing you left your two friends to die up there?"

7.) A lot of controversy surrounded the issue of just who would be "First man on the moon." One side claimed Neil Armstrong pulled rank and demanded to be first. (As Commander, he could have had that pull.) The other side claimed NASA officials set up the ship so that the Commander HAD to get out first, on the basis of how the Lunar Module door opened. (The only way Buzz Aldrin could go first is if he climbed over Armstrong, and the bulky equipment would have made it near-impossible to do that.) Still others claimed that NASA officials did everything they could to ensure Armstrong would be first. In the middle of the Cold War and an intense Space Race, who would you want to be the first man to set foot on the moon...a career military man or a civilian? (Armstrong was not active in the service when he walked on the moon.) Some say having Armstrong, a civilian, take the Moon's first steps, was a nice footnote in the history books.

8.) Buzz Aldrin was bitter for years about not being first on the moon. Forever known as the "second man on the moon", he could never swallow that pill just right. It is interesting to note that of all 12 moonwalkers, Aldrin actually spent the LEAST amount of time on the surface. Armstrong was the first one out of the LM, and the last one in, which means he spent 2 hours and 15 minutes on the moon. Aldrin was the second one out of the LM, and the first back in, so he was on the surface for 1 hour and 45 minutes. Each future mission after Apollo 11 stayed on the moon's surface for longer periods of time. For Apollo 17, the final Apollo flight, the two astronauts, Jack Schmitt and Gene Cernan, actually spent 3 WHOLE DAYS on the lunar surface. They actually walked on the moon's surface for over 20 hours.

9.) There were supposed to be 20 Apollo missions. After the first landing of Apollo 11, Apollo 20 was cut. And after the near-tragedy of Apollo 13, Apollo 19 and 18 were cut as well. However, since Apollo 14, 15, 16 and 17 were practically already paid for, NASA allowed them to go on, with very, very little fanfare.

10.) The plan was to establish a "Moon base" on the Moon by the mid-1980s. As you can tell, that never came close to happening.

11.) During Apollo 8, the first flight around the moon, the astronauts read from the Book of Genesis.

12.) Did you know that the average desktop computer today is a more powerful machine than the ones that took astronauts to the moon?

13.) Two ships involved landing on the moon, the command module, which stayed in lunar orbit, and the lunar module, which landed on the moon. Each ship was given a unique name to make communicating with them easier. The Apollo 11 Lunar Module (LM) was the "Eagle", and the Command Module (CM) was "Columbia." For Apollo 13, the LM was "Aquarius" and the CM was "Odyssey." (But for Apollo 10, the LM was "Snoopy" and the CM was "Charlie Brown.")

14.) In 1967, three astronauts tragically died in the Apollo 1 fire. NASA decided to retire the name Apollo 1. The next few flights were all un-manned, until Apollo 7 was launched.

15.) Apollo 7 was plagued with problems, including sick astronauts, malfunctioning equipment, and schedules nobody seemed able to keep. Communicating with Mission Control from the ship, the Apollo 7 astronauts were sarcastic, bitter, rude and even defiant, practically telling Mission Control to piss off at times. The mission leader, Deke Slayton, decided that after this flight, the three astronauts would never fly in space again.

16.) During the Apollo 12 mission, someone stuck a little something extra into the astronauts' flight plans. What was it, you ask? The most recent Playboy Centerfold. (Houston, we have lift-off.)

17.) Neil Armstrong’s famous step onto the moon was followed by the immortal words "That’s one small step for man…one giant leap for mankind." But if you think about it, it doesn’t make much sense. The words "man" and "mankind" are really the same thing. NASA claimed for years that what Armstrong really said was "That’s one small step for A man…one giant leap for mankind." The "a" got lost in the transmission between the earth and the moon. Armstrong has been mum on this subject ever since.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Act 1: The First 30 Years

It’s been said that every person’s life can be measured in 3 acts, like a play or a movie. Well, if that’s true, then Act 1 of my life has officially come to an end. Years 1-29 officially came to a successful completion on this day, January 30, 2006, also known as my 30th birthday. So, let’s see if I can review 30 years of highlights for one blog entry:

1976 - 1980 The Baby Years

  • January 30, 1976 - Hello, world!
  • Lot of crying, sleeping, eating and peeing.
  • I was a C-section baby. Which means…uh, nothing, I guess.
  • I only have two memories from these years. My first (age 2) is my parents packing to move into our new house. My second is walking into our new house in So. Lawrence (5 Roberta Lane) and seeing a million pots and pans. Good first memories. Weird, but good.
1981 - 1985 The Early Years

  • Kindergarten - Who had the balloon-letter people? (Nice pants you put me in, ma.)
  • 1st grade - My (hopefully) one and only fight. I remember punching away at a kid. Why? Beats me, it was first grade. He probably stole my paste.
  • 2nd grade - Got moved to an "advanced reading class". Go, me. My parents gave me an E.T.-themed birthday party. E.T. cake, E.T. cups and plates, the works. (sniff) I love that little guy.
  • 3rd grade – Teacher’s name was Miss Devine. Awww.
  • 4th grade - I was in the city-wide (that's all of Lawrence, folks) spelling bee. I came in...second (d'oh!). Never forget it...I misspelled "maintain" as m-a-i-n-t-a-n-e (d'oh, again!) Ah, well. Still second place for a city-wide bee ain't bad, is it? But I came in first for the school-wide science fair. My project was...um...I forget. But it was first place!
1986 - 1990 The Junior High Years

  • 5th grade - Miss Stacey, the most gorgeous teacher I ever had. The first half of the year, she was just "the teacher". But during Christmas break, adolescence kicked in, because after that, she was "THE TEACHER!" in short skirts and high heels.
  • 6th grade - Only time in my life where I could say..."I'm the tallest kid in the class!"
  • 7th grade - My teacher was Mrs. Windish...who was formerly...Miss Stacey! (see 5th grade) That's right. She got married, and moved up to 7th grade. Thank God for those short skirts. Also had my first kiss...with an 8th grader! Ha, older woman! Take that, world!
  • 8th grade – School band. Was I a good trumpet player? Noooooooooooope.
  • Played 5 years of Little League. Was I a good hitter? You bet. In the field? Not so much.
  • First theater production ever, "Oliver Twist" (1988). Instantly fell in love with theater.
  • Played Captain Von Trapp in "The Sound of Music". Possibly the only time I'll ever have the male lead in a musical.
  • 4 years of Boy Scouts. (Future blog entry pending.)
  • My mother's older sister, my Aunt Rose, died of a lung disease. Sadly, her father (my grandfather) died 7 months later.
  • Paper route for 3 years. Never forget the family who gave me $100 tips for Christmas.
1990 - 1994 The Central Catholic High School (CCHS) Years *

* Could probably max out my blog just with CCHS stories. For now, some high (and low) lights.

  • Ran Cross Country (sucked) and Indoor Track (sucked even more)
  • Joined the CCHS theater guild. Finally got back into theater, where I belonged.
  • Got a job at the Andover McDonalds. Ugh. Let us never speak of that again.
  • Went out with a girl who was a head taller than me, who a lot of other guys liked, but she liked me. We can speak of that all you want.
  • Got my driver's license. First accident was with my friend’s next door neighbor. D’oh!
  • Traveled up and down the east coast, including Florida (Disney World) and also made trips to Canada.
  • Junior prom. (I vow to never do the Electric Slide again)
  • Senior prom. (So much for that vow.)
  • Joined the Sacred Heart passion play. (1994)
1994 - 1998 The UMASS, Amherst Years

  • Let’s see, Merrimack College or UMASS…well, since I want to be "away" from home, the choice is UMASS. (How life may have been different if it had gone the other way.)
  • UMASS theater guild. (God, this theater program sucks!)
  • Frat parties, lab experiments, papers and really, really bad shows.
  • Direct a one-act play that gets rave reviews from my professors.
  • Four different roommates. What, do I smell or something?
  • Traveled to Washington, DC, New York City and back to Florida.
  • Women!! (Sorry, ladies.) I was having major problems with not one, but two different girls. (No, not at the same time.) Ah, the wonders of breaking up, getting dumped and being told "It's not you, it's me"!
  • I turn 21 (1997) I can legally drink! Not a big drinker, but let's hear it for milestones.

1998 - Present The MVP Years & The Directing Years

  • Joined the Merrimack Valley Players with "Damn Yankees." (1998)
  • Moved from actor to passion play co-director with Shannon. Five very fun, very crazy and very educational years ensue.
  • "Crazy For You", "Forum", "How to Succeed" (All great.)
  • "Bathroom Humor", "42nd St.", "Just So" (Even better.)
  • "The Wake of One, Ira Chang" (Best of all.) First time serving as writer, director and actor all at once.
  • MVP starts a new tradition with the Christmas concert. Welcome, Sue, as MVP's new musical director. (2002)
  • A week in Las Vegas with friends (2003) ("I don’t want your porn, leave me alone!")
  • My mom's mother, my final living grandparent passes away (2003)
  • My final year with the Sacred Heart passion play. (2003)
  • 8-day cruise to the Eastern Caribbean islands. Highly recommended.
  • Get paid for the first time to do theater with 2 staged readings at Merrimack.
  • Cast in my first professional show at the Palace Theater in Manchester, NH. (2005)
  • 30th birthday party (January 28, 2006.)

Whew. Not a bad first act. Summer vacations in the White Mountains. Boy scout craziness. Report cards. Confirmation classes. Rehearsals, shows, and cast parties. Girlfriends. Laughter. Sadness. Friendship. Love. Yep, it’s all in there.

Thanks to people like Eddie B., Steve and Tim D., Shannon, Dave, Nicole, Sheila, Kristina, Jeff and all the folks at MVP for a great Act 1. Special thanks to Lori B. for turning me onto the world of theater.

What does Act 2 have in store? No idea. I can only hope it brings plenty of memories and new milestones (i.e., marriage, kids, etc.).

"Stage manager": Glenn, you’re on in 2.

Well, gotta go. Enjoy the second Act. I know I will.

(And as the curtain rises on Act 2, we see…)

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, peace on Earth, goodwill to men, Joy to the world, and all that other good stuff. :)

Friday, December 02, 2005

The 'one-word' blog entry

Hypotenuse

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The perfect place for the bathroom?

I was doing some Christmas shopping the other day, and I was inside a Sears. (Cuz we all know how happening a store like Sears is for the holidays.) As I was strolling around, checking out the Christmas displays, I suddenly got the call of the wild (a.k.a., I had to pee). So, I started walking around looking for the bathroom. As anyone who's been in a Sears will tell you, it's a BIG store.

Nope, not next to Housewares, nope, not in the young men's section...Jewelry? No dice....Bedding? Swing and a miss.

I'm wandering all over the place and I finally see the sign "Men's Restroom" with an arrow pointing to the left. Ah, here we are, westward bound...so I turn to my left and I am staring directly at....the women's lingerie section.

Huh? I mean...um...cool!...(I think?)

Let me get this straight...the men's bathroom is behind the women's lingerie section? You mean, in order to use the men's bathroom I have to walk past sections and sections of teddys, nighties, silk robes, and bras?? Oooooooooook.

I'm trying to figure out the logic here. Is the lingerie business suffering? Has business been sliding? What's the thought process...."Well, when guys pass by all these sexy outfits, they'll be struck with a thought that they really ought to pick something up for the wife or girlfriend?" Pffft. Yeah, right. The day the lingerie business starts losing money is the day they're serving ice water in hell.

Or is it more like this..."Men will walk through, see all the outfits, and stop and gawk for a minute, and every woman who sees a staring guy will instantly label him a perverted idiot, thus widening the gap between men and women even more."

I'm confused. Though I did have one question...does this mean the Ladies' Room is located behind the power tool section? (It isn't.)

How odd. And consider this...if you're coming form the opposite side of the store and need to use the bathroom, not only are you walking through the "naughty clothing" section, but you have to walk through the women's SHOE section first!

Logic...where for art thou??